The Onion: Officials to reduce wildfire risk by shutting off oxygen to residents

And in what sounds like it is from The Onion, the CEO of PG&E gives advice about refilling refrigerators after they had to be emptied during power shutoffs.

Fire Triangle
Fire Triangle

Satire from The Onion:


SAN FRANCISCO—With blazes engulfing Sonoma County and smoke-filled skies blanketing much of the Bay Area, officials in California announced Friday they would attempt to mitigate any further spread of wildfires with a mandatory shutoff of oxygen to thousands of the state’s residents. “In order to eliminate factors that could contribute to the fires’ growth, we will cut the flow of oxygen in high-risk areas throughout the northern part of the state,” California Public Utilities Commission president Marybel Batjer told reporters, explaining that the rolling “air-outs” would last 12 hours on average and residents would need to plan accordingly. “If each Californian can learn to make do without oxygen for just a day or two, we could avoid much of the devastation caused by wildfires. We understand this is a hardship, but it is simply too dangerous to allow open oxygen in fire-prone areas. Those requiring emergency supplies of air will be allowed to offset the shortage by cultivating hundreds of plants inside their home.” Batjer later confirmed that oxygen would continue flowing to all businesses deemed vital, including the headquarters of every major tech giant in or around Silicon Valley.


This satire is a takeoff on the fact that in recent weeks Pacific Gas & Electric and Southern California Edison cut power to millions of Californians over multiple days to prevent the companies’ dangerous and inadequately maintained infrastructure from starting more wildfires during strong winds. About 1,400 schools serving more than 490,000 students lost power for at least one day during power shut-offs between Oct. 24 and Nov. 1, according to Scott Roark, spokesperson for the California Department of Education.

Bill Johnson, the President and CEO of PG&E, did not win many friends during this October 31 exchange with Dan Noyes, a reporter for ABC7:

Noyes: “What do you say to people who just can’t afford to restock their fridges and are losing all this food they’ve had in their households after these shut offs?”

Johnson: “These events can be hard on people, really hard on people, particularly people who have struggles anyways and there are community-based things you can do, food banks, these kind of things. But for us, you know the main thing is we didn’t cause any fires, we didn’t, for these people we didn’t burn down any houses, the Kincade fire is still under investigation, I got that, but one of the things we did was give them the opportunity to actually refill their refrigerator ’cause their house is still there.”

The effects of shutting off the electricity rather than harden their infrastructure has far-reaching repercussions, including traffic lights not working, businesses having to close, difficulty in finding  functioning gas stations, air conditioning and heating unavailable, parents looking for child care when schools close, and many others.

Some cell phone systems do not have robust emergency power supplies, in fact some have none because the FCC does not require it. This can make the situation even worse for those without land lines who can’t call 911 for emergencies or receive evacuation notifications when endangered by a wildfire. It also makes it impossible for cell phones to receive earthquake warnings from the system that is being rolled out in California. In Marin County 57 percent of cell towers were down on October 28, for example.

Fire as a cure for allergy season?

Fire cures allergy season Claritin

The Onion reports that Claritin has developed a solution to allergy season:

…a flamethrower capable of incinerating whatever is causing one’s allergies……the product is available in either a regular 25-foot or an Extra Strength 50-foot jet of fire—ideal for eliminating ragweed, trees, grasses, and entire mold-ridden homes.

The  whole story.

 

The Onion: "Mildfires"

From The Onion:

Mildfires Amble Through California

MAY 26, 2009 | ISSUE 45-22

OJAI, CA—A series of mildfires ambled casually through California this week, lazily threatening nearby homes, warming helpless wildlife, and cozying up to almost everything in its path. “We barely evacuated our home in time,” said resident Paul Krempel, whose backyard has been threatened by the loitering fire for days. “First, the boxes we ordered arrived a day late, and then there was a mix-up at the van rental place, which took forever. Plus, Margaret had to go pick up the kids from soccer practice before we could really start packing. It was definitely a close call.” Firefighters have rushed to the scene of the mellow inferno and are currently sitting around it in lawn chairs, exchanging old stories and telling jokes.

 

via Kent

The Onion: "Grease Fire Rages Through Midwest"

The Onion does great satire, and here is another example of their imaginations at work.

Grease Fire Rages Through the Midwest
April 26, 2006 | Issue 42•17

MILWAUKEE—A raging grease fire has spread across the southern half of Wisconsin and into the neighboring states of Illinois, Iowa, and Minnesota, killing at least eight and leaving hundreds injured or missing after the intense heat and acrid odor of charred pork and cheese-filled breading overwhelmed the region.

Six of the dead reportedly tried to put out the grease flames with water, causing the fire to spread; two others perished after running back into their burning homes to save bacon still cooking on their stoves.

By Tuesday evening, more than 700,000 acres of Midwestern greaseland—including tens of thousands of patio grills, outdoor beer gardens, supper-club kitchens, and barbecue pits—had been destroyed in the blaze.

Beloit, WI Fire Chief Paul Tolley said the fire was spreading faster than crews could react.

“The main problem is it’s being fed at every turn. The homes and businesses here are oversaturated with corn dogs, melted cheese, and any number of deep-fried items,” Tolley said. “Every time we think we have it under control, it hits a Hardee’s and everything turns to chaos.”

Officials said the grease blaze began after a Dodgeville, WI resident attempted to submerge an entire 21-pound turkey in a makeshift deep fryer Sunday. The fire then leapt rapidly from pancake house to pancake house, intensifying when flames reached a dense patch of diners at the peak of the brunch rush, which Dodgeville Fire Chief Ed Bouchard called “the worst possible timing.”

“With the fact that the nearby park was still greasy from Saturday’s brat fest, the situation quickly turned ugly,” Bouchard said. “My crews simply did not have the baking-soda reserves to contain it.”

The fire fanned out in all directions from the area, cutting a swath through truck stops, doughnut shops, and even mini-golf concession stands.

While most residents have fled to leaner ground, some have stayed behind to coat their homes in a flour, egg, and milk mixture in the hopes that it will protect the interior from the flames.

Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who recommended that citizens only deep-fry when absolutely necessary, said Tuesday that the fire could “cripple the economic and meal-time power of Illinois and the rest of America’s Grease Belt for a generation.”

Experts have warned for years that the region was overdue for a disaster of this kind, saying that decades of poor grease management and a culture of fried and heavily buttered food created a highly incendiary “grease core” spread across thousands of homes, restaurants, and offices. Landfills overflowing with greasy waxed paper and cardboard only added to the danger.

Read the rest of the article HERE.

Of course, the article is fiction.

The Onion satirizes Calilfornia wildfires

The Onion, a satirical magazine, has created a video that pokes good-natured fun at the annual tradition of shock and awe displayed by California residents, politicians, and newscasters when the brush fires burn thousands of acres.

We will go on the record as being sympathetic to the plights of the hundreds of residents who lost their homes, and, of course, the injuries and deaths of the firefighters are indeed tragic. But we can still see the humor in this video:

(video no longer available)